


Sniclet

by georgina_bulsara



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Blatant overuse of snake-portmanteaus, Crowley can no longer turn into a snake so he resorts to this, Established Relationship, Ficlet, Great Good Omens Snake Off, M/M, Other, Post-Canon, Texting, i believe this is what should be called crack?, ish, very silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-23 13:13:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23178673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/georgina_bulsara/pseuds/georgina_bulsara
Summary: Crowley won't stop sending Aziraphale text messages full of snake-portmanteaus
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 39
Kudos: 152
Collections: The Snake Pit





	Sniclet

**Author's Note:**

> this Snake Day offering stems directly from the GO-Events discord, specifically the snek-works channel. I couldn't stop laughing at all the snake portmanteaus people were coming up with, and then I thought... oh, this has the potential to become exceedingly irritating.  
> don't get me wrong though, I Love the snek-works channel (thank you, everyone), and fully endorse the continuation of using these kinds of snords ;)

Aziraphale was pretty certain he preferred any single one of Crowley’s phases to his snake-portmanteau phase. 

After the Not-pocalypse, Crowley discovered that he could no longer transform at will into his snake form. Every time he tried (which, for a while, had been once every five minutes), his reptilian eyes glowed an intense red for a few seconds before returning to their usual amber. 

Aziraphale hadn’t thought it would make any difference in their day-to-day life—as far as he knew, Crowley had almost always stayed in human form before. Once Crowley got over the whole Scare-The-Living-Daylights-Out-Of-Aziraphale-With-His-Intense-Red-Eyes thing, Aziraphale had expected it to be smooth sailing for the foreseeable snake-free future.

Then, one cosy night in Soho, they had been subjected to the zoo scene in _Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone_ on the television. Crowley had gazed longingly at the screen as the boa constrictor slithered out of its enclosure and into the panicked roomful of Reptile House visitors. 

_Thanksssss, amigo_

For days afterwards Crowley had inserted the phrase into as many situations as possible. Thankfully, Crowley hadn’t adapted the long _sss_ in any other words, and Aziraphale had presumed that Crowley’s need to remind him of his snake origins had faded once he stopped quoting the boa constrictor. 

Eventually, however, Crowley had talked Aziraphale into getting mobile phones. So that they could be more “in touch with current culture,” Crowley had reasoned. Little had Aziraphale known that Crowley intended to use the phone for the express purpose of coining what he called “snortmanteaus.” 

Now Crowley only communicated in writing with a minimum of one snake-portmanteau per sentence. He’d started signing his text messages “-Snanthony*snake emoji*” even though not two months ago, when they’d both first gotten mobiles, Crowley had berated Aziraphale for ending all his texts with “AZ Fell.” Crowley also sent him daily reports via text message, which was utterly useless and insufferable, given the fact that they spent most of their time together anyway. 

In Aziraphale’s recently acquired bed, where they’d often settle down together at night, Crowley would spend a considerable amount of time typing out the message on his phone, clearly suppressing laughter. Several minutes later, Aziraphale’s phone would ping. He’d ignore it and continue reading his book, but he’d allow Crowley to slither his arm underneath the covers to rest on top of his chest. Crowley would be knocked out cold less than a minute later, and Aziraphale would drift off to sleep after finishing his chapter. 

In the morning, Aziraphale usually checked his phone while he was downstairs brewing the first pot of tea and Crowley was still coiled in bed. He didn’t know how to work any of the apps, so his only choice was to read whatever message Crowley had come up with the night before. 

_Today my snusband and I went for a magnificent walk in the park. The snond was full of lovely ducks, but we didn’t see any sneks :( -Snanthony_

_This evening we went to see a play by Willy Snakespeare. I don’t think he would’ve liked this production of_ Snekbeth _. Personally, I prefer_ Merchant of Snenice _, or any of the snunny ones, really. -Snanthony ;)_

_Snanathema and Snewt visited us today. They seem to be doing well, but they didn’t like the snood I made them (snushi and sneviled eggs) :/_

_Went to a Snozart concert, I had a bit of a snooze ( **not** snake ooze!) during the second act. Meanwhile, my Snentley still won’t stop playing Snueen tapes. On the ride home, it played _You Snake My Breath Away _on repeat, rather annoying -Snanthony JC_

_The snookshop is a bit of a mess these days. Snangel won’t let me help clean since I’m a guest, which is stupid because I’ve been living here for months >:( _

And then, just when Aziraphale was sure the messages couldn’t get any sillier, the absolute worst one of all: 

_Six thousand years ago, I met the snuardian of the Sneastern Gate. We watched Snadam and Sneve leave the Garden of Sneden. Then there was the first snunderstorm and the beautiful snangel offered me his snwing as a snumbrella. We were both shit at our jobs for thousands of years (being a snemon is exhausting work), but Snarmageddon was still no match for us ;) although the Snantichrist did help..._

Aziraphale face-palmed at every message, and never deigned to reply. What could he say, anyway? Snank you? _No._ Better not to egg him on.

To Aziraphale’s utmost relief, Crowley didn’t carry over this cursed habit to their face-to-face conversations. But Aziraphale always knew when Crowley had thought of a new snake pun (or a “snun,” as he, unfortunately, knew Crowley would put it). Crowley would snort softly and ease his phone out of his back pocket to tap the word into his notes app (which Aziraphale still hadn’t figured out how to use). Then he would look up at Aziraphale, tongue still stuck between his sharp teeth, and smile cheekily. 

“Are you nearly _done,_ dear!?” Aziraphale finally gave in one night in bed, as Crowley was laughing through his nostrils while tapping on his phone. 

Crowley flopped over and gazed at him innocently. “With what?”

“With the silly snake words…. I think that’s enough,” Aziraphale paused, “snarling… wait–” 

“Sn- _snarling_!” Crowley snorted, propping himself up on an elbow. “I like it, but it doesn’t quite work, angel.” 

“Well, I guess you’re the expert.”

“Snexpert,” Crowley corrected with a wink, followed by a guffaw. 

Aziraphale sighed heavily, pulling the quilt up to his chin. 

“Just getting it out of my system, angel. Then I’ll stop bothering you.” He rolled over, and Aziraphale switched off the lamp. The light from Crowley’s phone dimmed, and then his cool body in satin pyjamas was nuzzled up to Aziraphale. 

The next morning, the notification on Aziraphale’s phone displayed a very brief message: 

_I snuv u (°,,°)_

Aziraphale’s face fell to his palm for the umpteenth time, but on this particular occasion, he was smiling. 

~<:<<<<<>

**Author's Note:**

> *monty python voice* right STOp that, it's Far Too Silly!!
> 
> georginabulsara on tumblr


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